


Guilt

by blazingsnark



Series: Queens of Steel; Servants of Iron [1]
Category: Elsword (Video Game)
Genre: Cutting, Guilt, M/M, So much guilt, also noblesse has been fucking up since day 1, incredible self-loathing, there's a reason this fic is named guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-12-16 19:29:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11835498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blazingsnark/pseuds/blazingsnark
Summary: Being the contracted servant to the Noblesse means that Ciel always has to be perfect; always has guilt and anxiety gnawing away at him.  There are times when it's all too much.Companion and prequel to Contracted.





	Guilt

_He had failed_.

Ciel bolted upright in bed with a gasp, nightmare images of Lu bleeding dry still vivid in his mind’s eye.

_He was worthless.  He couldn’t protect her._

Ciel shook his head, trying to drive away the thoughts, and looked down at his sleeping master.  Lu had stopped sleeping so close to him lately - it used to be that he would wake with her every move - but she still slept beside him, face peaceful and white hair made silver by the moonlight through the window.

Ciel stared down at her, seemingly so innocent and young.  You’d never know the full power she commanded as a demon empress if you only saw her sleeping.

_She commanded him.  He had failed her._

He hadn’t.  It had been a nightmare.

_Failure.  Punishment.  Disappointment._

He could almost imagine it - the cold disappointment through the contract, then pain lashing around his mind, releasing him from guilt.

_Or did the pain intensify the guilt?_

He needed to focus himself.

Ciel pushed himself out of bed, carefully managing not to disturb Lu.  She murmured in her sleep, and he froze - had he woken her, could he not even do this simple thing? - but then Lu rolled over and was still again, small hands clutched to her breast, and Ciel bit his lip.

_He wasn’t worthy to protect her.  He was too weak to be her royal strength._

Ciel backed away from her bedside, knelt on the floor next to his weapons-cleaning kit.  From the very bottom of the silver box, he withdrew a small blade.

_Not here.  She couldn’t smell his blood, couldn’t know his pain.  He had to protect her from his own ugliness._

Ciel stood, the knife familiar in his hand, and slipped out the window.

Two-story drops hadn’t been a problem for him since he was eight and first began to steal.  With demon magic assisting him, it was practically child’s play.  He fell through the air, pure instinct taking over to check his fall with a demonic platform and to tuck his body into a roll in order to disperse his momentum.  The rough ground scratched at his body through the thin nightshirt he wore.  He welcomed the pain, welcomed the cool rocks stabbing at his bare feet when he stood.

His fingers curled tighter around the knife.  He had to get away.  Had to go somewhere Lu wouldn’t know, had to-

“Ciel?”

Golden eyes in the darkness, a steel blade shining in the moonlight.  Raven stepped from the shadows.

Ciel stumbled back.

“What-” he managed, and then stopped, curling his fingers around the knife.  How much had Raven seen?  Had he realized the thoughts going through Ciel’s head?  Of course not, he wasn’t  _Lu_ , he wasn’t contracted with Ciel.

But there was still concern in those golden eyes as Raven studied Ciel.

“Is something wrong?” Raven asked.  Ciel shook his head frantically.

“No,” he stammered.  “Nothing.  I just- an errand for Lu-”

“It’s two in the morning.”

Raven’s cool voice was almost reminiscent of Lu’s, the way it cut through Ciel’s mind and calmed his babbling.  Ciel didn’t like that.

_He wasn’t worthy of Lu; he shouldn’t be obeying Raven._

“What are you doing up, then?” he spat.  Raven wore light sparring gear, his coat thrown on over it to ward against a nonexistent chill.  “If it’s so early, shouldn’t you be in bed too?”

And now Raven’s steady gaze slid away.

“I couldn’t sleep,” he said, and adjusted the blade in his human hand.  “Nightmares.”

Ciel knew that feeling.

The moonlight glinted off Raven’s blade, highlighting the steel sharpness.  Ciel’s mind went to the knife growing heavier and heavier in his own hand.  He needed to get away, needed to feel the blade press down and bite-

“And you?” Raven asked.

Ciel put his hands behind his back, his fingers on the blade, and pressed.

Pain.

It sliced across the pads of his fingers, just a sliver of the sweet release he was seeking, but enough to calm his frantic mind and soothe the worries for now.  Ciel took a deep breath.

“I forgot we’re out of sugar,” he lied.  “I need to get some for Lu’s scones tomorrow.”

Raven’s expression was inscrutable - Ciel should be able to read it, he’d been reading moods all his life to survive, but he couldn’t, he was too dumb - but he at least stepped aside.

“Don’t come back too late,” Raven said.

Ciel ducked his head and hurried past.

Once he was sure Raven was out of sight, he detoured off the Lanox roads, finding his way through the back alleys he knew so well and finally ducking behind some convenient crates.  The guilt was too much.  The pain was too little.

_Would Lu be pleased or horrified?_

He didn’t want to know.

The bloody knife gleamed even in the darkness.  Ciel drew in a breath and carefully rolled up his pajama sleeve.

Straight, narrow, precise scars in various stages of healing criss-crossed his inner arm, marking the pale skin there.  Ciel considered the canvas, thought about marking his other arm instead tonight, discarded the idea - the fresh scabs there already chafed against the shirt of his uniform, he needed pain on the other arm.

_He belonged to Lu.  He shouldn’t be marking the body she controlled._

_He couldn’t help himself._

The edge of the knife was cold against his skin when he lay it there.  Ciel drew in a breath, picked the knife up, and dragged it point-first across the scars to make a shallow cut.

Already the ritualistic nature of the self-imposed punishment was beginning to clear his mind.  Ciel adjusted himself to be more comfortable on the crates, lay the knife again on his skin, and pressed.

“STOP!”

Ciel’s hand jerked, cutting a ragged slash instead of the clean line he’d meant to draw.  Then Raven was there, human hand closing around Ciel’s knife wrist and dragging it away, his weight pressing Ciel to the wall and pinning him.

He was  _furious_ , Ciel noted dazedly.  How had he gotten here?

“You were acting strange,” Raven said, and his low voice was full of… fear?  Concern?  Anger?  It confused Ciel.  “And now I know why.  Ciel, why are you doing this?”

This… he had to.  Had to win Lu’s approval.  Raven wouldn’t understand.  Ciel looked away.

“Lu-” he said, and then to his horror, found tears welling up.  “She-”

“Did she tell you to do this?”

“No!”  Lu was too kind to punish him, too soft.  That was why she had to be protected.  Ciel shook his head, trying to push back the tears brimming in his eyes.

“She’s,” he tried again, then couldn’t say anything through the lump in his throat and the tears streaming down his face.

Raven sat down next to him and released his grip.  Ciel let the knife in his hand clatter to the stone, let the pain wash over and through him as he sobbed.

 _Disgusting, weak, unworthy,_  the little voice taunted.   _You taint the contract with your humanity.  Why doesn’t Lu just kill you?_

Ciel shuddered, trying to swallow down the tears, but to no avail.  He couldn’t stop them from pouring.

Raven’s hand gently gripped his shoulder, guiding Ciel to lean over.  Ciel wasn’t sure what Raven was doing.  Touching a filthy hybrid like him with those strong, white-gloved hands-

Raven’s arms slipped around Ciel’s waist.

He said nothing, just held Ciel with a solid, secure grip, and Ciel buried his face in Raven’s shoulder.  He never wanted anyone to see him like this, pain lancing through his arm in a heady rush and his face a mess of tears.  He was supposed to be Lu’s royal strength.  She was supposed to care, he was supposed to protect her-

_She must feel your pain through the contract.  She must know you’re doing this.  If she cares, why hasn’t she stopped you?_

He wanted the pain to stop.

_It’ll never stop._

He wanted to run.

_You can’t escape._

He wanted Lu’s arms around him, not Raven’s, he wanted Lu to hold him and comfort him and stop pushing him so hard.  But the idea was laughable.

 _Hybrid,_  the little voice taunted.   _Filth.  Weak scum._

“I don’t know what Lu is pushing you to do,” Raven murmured, and again his voice cut through the mean little thoughts.  “But whatever it is, it’s not worth… this, Ciel.”

Ciel didn’t realize he was clutching at Raven’s shirt until his arm twinged in pain. He was staining Raven’s clothes with his blood and tears.  He should move away, he wasn’t worthy to bleed all over Raven, but Raven held him secure even when he tried to pull away, so Ciel gave in and stayed.

Raven was rubbing his back now, he noticed.  Ciel shut his eyes.

“She… was dying,” he choked out.  Raven’s hand barely faltered.

“Mmmh?”

“In my dream,” Ciel managed.  It was the least he could do, right? Give Raven an explanation?  It couldn’t be enough, it would never be enough, Raven would leave him like everyone else, but-

“And the guilt made you want to cut?”

Relief like the release of pain washed over Ciel, easing the tight knot in his heart.  Raven understood.  How could he have forgotten, Raven had seen people die before, he had lain helpless as his loved ones were slaughtered.

_Ciel shouldn’t complain.  Raven had it much worse._

The gentle circles Raven rubbed into his back never faltered.  Ciel choked down the lump in his throat anew, tried and failed to stop the tears.

“Not just then,” he dared to say.  “Whenever I mess up, I feel it… She expects so much, she deserves so much more than me, I can’t be perfect for her.”

“So you punish yourself.”

The lump was back.  Ciel just nodded into Raven’s shoulder and sniffed.

Raven was quiet for a few seconds.  Worry started gnawing at the edges of Ciel’s mind again.   _You overshared.  You shouldn’t have said that much.  He’ll know you’re weak, he’ll know you’re not good enough for Lu.  He’ll tell her-_

“Does Lu know?”

Ciel flinched from the idea, from the thought of Lu being disappointed in him, or angry that he marked a body that wasn’t his to mark, or worse yet, pleased that he took his punishments onto himself.  He shook his head.

“She- she can’t!”  He choked on the lump in his throat and went into a coughing fit, deep rasping coughs that felt like he was trying to dredge up blood.  The blood was still running down his arm from the cuts, too, he realized, and it had stained his pants by now.

He would have to wash it, and Lu wouldn’t be happy, Lu would be  _furious, he was unworthy, he was pathetic-_

“Why not?” Raven asked, but his voice didn’t quite cut through Ciel’s panic this time.  He only managed to shake his head, over and over, praying that Raven would get the message, praying that Raven wouldn’t tell Lu, he would do anything he would beg on his knees just  _please-_

“Okay, okay,” Raven murmured, and once again Ciel felt those mismatched arms pull him close.  “Okay.  It’s okay, Ciel. I won’t tell her.”

His mind- he couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe.  He needed the pain to focus.  He pulled away from Raven and scrabbled blindly for the knife, almost sobbing in relief when his fingers touched the bloody handle, pulled it up only to feel a gloved hand on his wrist.

“Don’t,” Raven whispered.

It was the almost pleading quality of his voice that broke through Ciel’s haze of panic.  Ciel opened his eyes, somehow managing to focus on Raven’s face, and his heart hurt at the raw pain he saw there.

Raven had dropped his expressionless mask.  Raven was  _scared_. Raven’s grip was tight on Ciel’s wrist, and his eyes darted from the knife to Ciel’s bleeding arm, and his mouth was drawn into a tight line of fear.

Raven… didn’t want Ciel to cut himself.

Ciel didn’t let the knife clatter to the floor again, but he did lower it, and watched the tense set of Raven’s shoulders relax ever so slightly when he did.  Raven still kept hold of his wrist.

“It doesn’t help,” Raven continued.  How would he know?  How would Raven, so calm and collected and experienced, know anything about this?

Raven’s grip tightened, and suddenly, Ciel realized that they were in the middle of triple-digit-degree Lanox and Raven was still wearing a long-sleeved coat.

“Yeah,” Raven murmured as Ciel’s eyes darted to Raven’s human arm.  “I… It wasn’t the proudest time of my life.  I promise, things do get better, Ciel.  Lu cares about you.  We all do.  Please, don’t hurt yourself like this.”

Ciel bit the inside of his cheek, trying to focus, trying to wrap his mind around the idea that Raven was  _concerned_.

“But if I don’t….” he managed, glancing over at the bloody knife, “I can’t… I won’t be able to concentrate.  How will I be punished-”

“You don’t need to be.”

Ciel blinked. No.  That wasn’t possible.  He was a servant, a Royal Guard, one of the elite guards that surrounded high-ranking demon lords.  He always needed to be on point, and mistakes would be harshly punished, either by his master or by himself.  There was no other way to live.

Raven sighed.

“I know it’s hard to stop.”  He loosened his grip on Ciel’s wrist just enough to tap his index finger on the back of Ciel’s hand.  “If you want, I can help you.  I’ll keep your blade, and then whenever you want to cut, come to me, okay?  If you can give me a good reason, I’ll give it to you.”

He always had a good reason.  But leaving it with Raven would make sure Lu didn’t find out, would keep him safe for maybe just a bit longer.

The inner voice screamed at him to keep the knife, but Ciel loosened his grip and let it drop.  Raven caught the small blade in his Nasod hand.

“Thank you,” he whispered, and finally released Ciel.  Ciel missed that warm hand.  He brought his uninjured arm to his chest, trying to replicate Raven’s warmth, as he watched Raven wipe off and pocket his knife.

Finally Raven looked up again, and that golden gaze was no longer sharp with fear.  It was warm with concern, and Ciel wanted to melt.

“Can I see your arm?” Raven asked, and Ciel forced himself again to concentrate by biting the inside of his cheek.  Raven was holding out his hand.  The white glove was bloodstained now, Ciel noticed with a pang of guilt, and after a moment, he held out the arm he’d cut.

Raven took it gently and pulled off that bloodstained white glove, using it to soak up even more of Ciel’s blood.  Ciel looked away, unable to bear the sight of Raven scrutinizing his weakness.

“I can wash the blood out of your clothes,” he murmured.  “I’m… I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Raven said, and even though Ciel wanted to argue, to say that no it wasn’t alright, he stayed silent.

“We need to bandage this.”

Ciel knew that already.  Ciel usually bandaged them himself, shrugged on his coat over the bandages and made sure nothing showed, struggled through practice with Marbas while his arms scarred and his bandages unraveled.  It was difficult to bandage with only one hand.

“May I?”

Raven was offering, Ciel realized with a jolt, to help him.  The sky was already lightening.  Soon Ciel would have to brew Lu’s tea, to bake her scones, to wake her up.  He couldn’t afford to waste time bandaging himself.

“Sure,” he said, and barely recognized the timid voice that came from his throat. Raven nodded like he hadn’t expected any other answer.

“My first aid kit is in my room, so we’re going to have to go back, okay?”

Ciel nodded again and stood, then stumbled.  He’d been sitting on his leg. It had fallen asleep.  Raven was right there to steady him, draping Ciel’s uninjured arm across his broad shoulders and allowing Ciel to lean on him even though Ciel hated himself for it.

“It’ll be okay,” Raven murmured as Ciel’s world spun from blood loss, and even though Ciel wanted to snap that it wouldn’t be, that Lu would never be less cruel and the anxiety would never stop, something about Raven’s comforting presence made him want to believe it.


End file.
